Thursday, August 23, 2012

U may B a NetHead

If u can only laugh by saying lol- u may be a nethead
If ur family can only get in touch with u on facebook- u may be a nethead.
If u n ur significant other sit next to each other while cybering in a pm chat- u may be a nethead
If u go to bed when the am alarm goes off and u just left chat and ur too tired 2 go in 2day- u may b a nethead
If ppl can only contact u in chat- u may b a nethead
If u change ur top 40 daily- u may b a nethead
If u and ur wife of 3 years have never physically met- u may b a nethead
If ur only income comes from paypal- u may b a nethead
If u clean the house by logging on 2 ebay -u may b a nethead
If ur bff is Tom - u may b a nethead
If u finally met the woman ur going to marry last night in chat and her pic looks just like Jessica Biel - u may b a nethead
If u change ur status every 5 minutes -u may b a nethead
If all ur favorite shows are on youtube and myspace -u may be a nethead
If u spend 10 dollars a day on mobile web -u may b a nethead
If u take ur date to singshot for karaoke night -u may b a nethead
If u spell to 2- for 4- be b- and you u- u may b a nethead
If u ever cancelled a party because project playlist was down 4 maintenance -u may b a nethead
If Tila Tequila has a restraining order on u -u may b a nethead
If u got ur masters degree without ever leaving da house -u may b a nethead
If u hire sum 1 2 update ur status while u r on vacation -u may b a nethead
If ur friends with Britney Spears just so u can tell her how much u hate her -u may be a nethead
If u got ur doctors degree at dad u -u may b a nethead
If u find all ur dates at yahoo chat - u may b a nethead
If u practice safe sex by cybering - u may b a nethead
If u have 2 get a new keyboard every xmas -u may b a nethead
If u have 200 pics of urself on ms taken with ur phone -u may b a nethead
If all of ur friends are bi lesbian gothic wiccan poets and artists -u may b a nethead
If ur bff isnt talking 2 u because she isnt on ur top 8 - u may b a nethead
If u lost ur cherry in a private chat room -u may b a nethead
If ur alias is Buffy the vampire slayer and ur carrying Spikes baby and fighting the trio and the master with Dark Willow and the charmed ones- u may b a nethead
If u spend ur weekend writing comments to all ur online friends -u may b a nethead
If u only eat when the modem is out- u may be a nethead

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Vader visits the pagemaster

"The Emperor demands a tribute to him immediately." vader paced back and forth impatiently.
the pagemaster sat and stared at him wondering how long it would take for him to put a groove in the floor.

" now dammit darth, i will prepare a tribute to that old geezer as soon as i can, master yoda was first in line tho. so he just gonna have to wait..."

vader extended his hand toward the pagemasters throat and held it firmly in place.

"i aint got time to shake hands now anakin. just run back to your precious emperor and tell him that i will be in touch as soon as i can now ya hear."

 Vader was puzzled that the force wasnt phasing the page master and drew his saber to make a point.
"not in the house," the page master said, and the saber turned into a bouquet of flowers.

vader kneeled down in homage to the powerful page master and swore total allegiance to him.

"join me and together we can rule the galaxy," vader told the master.

"galaxy? hell boy i already rule the entire universe of this story line. why would i want to step down to a lower office..."

Unwanted embrace

I just stopped by for a drink
like a dozen times before
i guess i was more thirsty than i thought
once i got her on the floor
as i quenched my insatiable thirst
i came to realize
this girl that i was preying on
was just about to die
as i came to my senses
i saw her in my arms
this vessel i called friend
a victim of my charms
and soon she would be gone
because of my mistake
and the Prince would have my head
did i deserve this fate?
i could not let her die
the regrets would never stop
and so i bit my lip
and let her taste a few drops
and soon she arose again
and walked the night with me
and tho we are no longer friends
she arose you see
and now she is Kindred
a creature of the night
forever in the dark
and running from the light
we walk the world of darkness
the dark childe and i
tho years come and go
the damned can never die


A visit to Wonderland

What is this strange place
I find myself in?
There goes a white rabbit
Shouting "late again".
Down a rabbit hole
The hare slides away.
I follow his lead
And slide into a sunny day.
Outside two toy soldiers
Are painting white roses red.
Hurry they say or she will
Have our heads.
A strange smiling cat
Appears by my side.
The queen is coming he tells them
And he tries to hide.
He turns invisible
Except for his smile.
Those bright white teeth
You can see for a mile.
"Oh dear. oh my."
The toy soldiers cry
As a walking, talking card
Catches my eye.
She approaches the soldiers
And grabs their paint cans of red,
But she does not help them paint.
She yells "off with their heads"
Then she looks at me
"And him too" she says.
Then a bunch of cards run to us
On this lovely day.
And as the soldiers cringe
I take a deep breath
And blow the cards all away.
What a strange dream i think
As i walk away
Into this strange place
On this very strange day.
After that i do not recall
What happened next.
But i awoke in my bed
Somewhat perplexed....

Horton hears a Hey

Horton was sitting in the hay
One day
Could've been a Saturday
But anyway
Horton was rockin to his mp3 in the hay
When he heard a tiny voice say "Hey!"
Now Horton was an elephant of mucho grande heart
But that tiny voice gave Horton a start
He lept to his feet
Which was no small feat
Then he felt something squish under his feet
He looked down and lost his gum
And that's the story of When Horton met Tom Thumb

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Legend of Bloody Willow

My name is Randy Giles.
I am a vampire hunter known for many miles.
My girlfriend Joan and I fight vampires.
She is very strong and seldom tires.

Joan is like a superhero.
Trouble follows her wherever she goes.
They call her the slayer.
The chosen one.

Rupert is her trainer and I am his son.
A vamp with a soul. A noble demon from hell.
Rupert owns a magic shop in a burb called Sunnydale.

We were on patrol one night my girl joan and i.
when we heard a scream and ran to literally see who died.
Willow Harris was cornered in the graveyard by some vamps.
When Joan the slayer jumped right in and slayed them like a champ.
When the dust had settled.

We found Willow dying by a grave.
Joan wanted to take her and get help but it was too late.
The only way that Willow could survive that awful night
Was if i turned her from dying teen to vampire childe.
So quickly I bit my arm and let her taste my blood.
And as she died she was reborn to stalk and prey upon her hood.

Now theres no peace in Sunnydale.
Willow joined Angelis gang.
It isnt safe to walk the streets at night since Bloody Willow came.
But the vampires days are numbered here.
They soon shall be exiled by the legendary warrior Joan and her good friend Randy Giles.

Buffy the Vampire

Spike came to the door with a bottle of bourbon.
he took a big swig, and then he toasted Buffy. kick his ass. Buffy was enjoying tormenting the trio. they had put her through a lot of shit the past few weeks and now it was their turn. Tara bit Jonathan and drank some of his blood.

mmm. thats yummy mummy. she said playfully.

look at your daughter, feeding for the first time, Spikey. Buffy smiled at Spike.

Spike laughed at Buffy and Tara tormenting the trio. Dont play with your food, he told Tara jokingly.

Jonathan screamed for help. but he couldnt escape. Willow turned and walked outside. getting a little sick from all the bloodletting.

whats wrong will? cant stomach sweet revenge?
Spike asked.

no its cool. torture them all you want...

just dont turn them, luv. Spike told his new childe. they could give vamps a bad name...

Buffy walked up to Spike, she loved seeing him all playful like this. Buffy hugged spike and kissed him. did i ever tell you how sexy you are? she asked.

who? me? sexy?... nah... i'm just another vamp, luv. you are the sexy one. spike kissed her. then Buffy wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back. she smiled at spike. then she glanced at Tara, who was biting Andrew now.

oh God! oh God! Andrew cried. please dont kill me...

Dont kill them love, Spike told Tara. we cant torture them once theyre dead. Spike took another sip of his bourbon. then he called to warren. i told you payback was a bitch....

buffy smiled at spike lovingly. then she wrapped her arms around his neck. and looked into his eyes. spike rubbed his nose against hers, and kissed her on the cheek. love you, he whispered softly in her ear.

Tara was feeding on Warren now. and Willow was in the parking lot, puking.

now now, will. said spike. its not your blood.

i know, said willow. i know...

nothing like a spot of violence to make a bloke thirsty, said spike, taking another sip of his bourbon.

they had their fun. now its our turn. said Buffy... thoughtfully Buffy asked spike. turn me too?

what? asked spike. suddenly everyone wants to join the club. i should charge for my services, Spike chuckled and took another sip of his bourbon. o sweet nectar of the gods, he said.

speaking of necks, whispered Buffy. turn me darling, i want to be with you forever....

Forever? thats a long time, luv....

i know, said Buffy kissing him passionately. and theres no one i'd rather share eternity with than you....

thats so beautiful, said willow looking inside. she saw Tara consumed with bloodlust and saw the blood all over her face. she saw Tara lick the blood from Warren's neck. then she ran back to the parking lot to puke again.

you turned Tara. why not me? Buffy asked him.

have you thought about what you're asking?
asked Spike.

thought about it for over a week. she said frowning. how long did Tara think about it?

two weeks, said spike.

then youll turn me next week? Buffy asked.

that what you want? asked Spike.

yes. it is. Buffy kissed Spike again, and again. slowly and tenderly, moving closer to him. and closer. then she kissed him on the neck, and whispered Bite me lover...

Spike was a little woozy by all the bourbon and a lot turned on by the gorgeous slayer in his arms. he kissed her neck gently and felt her hands running over his back and chest. he felt her lips caress his neck lovingly. O spike, she whispered. i love you so. promise me forever? she asked.

Spike kissed her neck again. he could smell the sweet blood of her jugular. he could feel the touch of her fingertips. he could hear her begging him for immortality. he remembered what a horrid existence it was for him to be human. he remembered how emancipating it was to become an immortal. he thought of spending eternity with his one true love. o Spike, she moaned. turn me, then we can be together forever. he kissed her neck and smelled the aroma of her perfume. he kissed her again. he felt her sucking on his neck. it was an arousing sensation to say the least. he kissed her on the neck and sucked on the tasty flesh.

Buffy moaned again. o spike. give me forever. she cried out. he didnt really notice as the fangs pierced her flesh, he was caught up in the passion of the moment. he sucked her neck to turn her on. O Spike, she moaned.

Spike tasted the sweet taste of blood in his throat and for a moment he thought he was dreaming. then he heard Buffy moan and he felt her buckle at the knees. she was passing out. Spike pulled away from her, realizing that he had been feeding on her. he checked her vitals and knew that he had gone too far. Buffy was dying.

O my god, shouted willow. Get off her you monster. Willow cast a spell and threw Spike across the room. tossing him into a mirror. the mirror cut his arm. Spike jumped up and ran back to Buffy. he knew he only had seconds to save her now. he put his arm to her lips and let some blood spill down her throat. She began to drink.

what are you doing? Willow was getting angry. her eyes turned dark and she began to chant.

no will, i have to turn her or she will die. Spike backed away as willow threw fireballs at him.

he backed into the next room. will its for her own good.

Willow came to the doorway. the wind outside had picked up and the windows in the room burst in. the wind knocked spike down and slammed the door to the room shut. willow came through the door in a ghostly form still chanting. she threw fireballs and lightning at spike, burning him badly. the wind picked up and tore his skin. lightning flashed in the sky outside and a small tornado formed outside the room. the tornado was getting bigger when Buffy came into the room. Blood still on her chin.

its ok will. i'm ok now. see. the winds ceased and the tornado vanished.

o god, Buffy. youre alive! Willow grabbed Buffy and hugged her. thank god, she whispered. then she turned angrily to spike. and you, she said. the wind picked up again.

its ok, will. i asked him to bite me ok. he did nothing wrong, sweetie.

you asked him to...

yes, i want to be a vampyre so we can be together forever. now i'm immortal see...

o... ok... if thats what you want.... my bad...

willow looked confused and upset and felt a little betrayed. she was surrounded by vampires. and two of them were her friends.

uh, sorry spike, i guess....

spike got up and stormed out of the room, he went outside to his bike. his bourbon had been spilled and he was very thirsty now...

see you later, Buffy.

Spike left on the bike. Buffy turned to willow. sorry, said willow meekly...

Friday, May 11, 2012

Motel 666

I was traveling across country to do a job when my van, i noticed, was almost empty. I was on a back road and didnt know how far it would be to the next station so i stopped at the nearby station to fill er up.

The guy at the register gave me a dirty look when i went inside and nodded to him as a greeting. He was a large fellow in bib overalls with a wad of tobacco in his mouth. He had grey hair and a beard and his name tag read "JOSH". I grabbed some chips and gators for the trip and went to the front to pay.

As i was leaving i saw that the sun was about to rise and i was in need of a nap so i went to the motel nearby and got a room. As i walked to the room i heard the store clerk outside talking to his pals who had just pulled in.

Apparently he had taken a liking to my gold card but i had been driving all night so i had to take a nap before leaving. I locked up the van and went inside. Locked the door and turned up the air and hit the sack. In no time i was out for the day.

Later that evening i woke to find Josh and his friends and the motel manager in my room and going through my wallet. "hurry the hell up Bill. He's waking up." "i've got it. Ron shut 'im up," the motel manager said pulling out my gold card. Then one of the other guys walks up and hits me with a wrench.

This time i wake up wrapped in bloody plastic. Laying in the grass beside a lake. The wind blows and rattles the plastic and makes my splitting headache even worse. Josh's buddies are standing close by me and putting on plastic gloves.

"Damn Ron. You tore his head wide open."

"what was i post a do, Frank. Give him back his billfold." Ron walked over to me. "Damn. He's still kicking." Ron kneels beside me and puts the plastic over my face and pulls it tight. "Die boy. Just die." I felt the plastic over my face. He was pressing down hard.

Stupid man. You cant kill a dead man, I thought. I waved my arms in the air cause that is what they expected. I Grabbed Ron's arm and saw the other people he had killed. Saw him and Frank laughing at them as they struggled and begged for mercy. Men women and children. Murdered. Someone had to end this. Now. I reached his throat and pressed the pressure point. Until he passed out.

I lifted Ron up and off of me. Frank drew a gun so I let him empty it into Ron.

"Thanks. Oh dont worry, he had it coming." I take the gun from him and put another bullet in it. He tries to run but I am not through with him yet. I twist his arm around and pin him to the ground.

"I am going to ask you one time. Where is my wallet?" He was sniffling and tears were rolling down his cheeks.

"Josh," he said. And that was his last word. I vamped out and drained him dry. The blood restored my health and I had taken a hell of a beating. I needed it and they owed me.

With the vessel emptied i licked the wound to make it heal. All better. I stood up and thought for a moment.

"Frank shoots Ron then self." I put the gun in Frank's mouth. 2 down. 2 to go.
Josh was in the store looking at my card and smiling when i got there. Funny thing about vampyres- we cant be filmed unless we concentrate. Same with mirrors. we have to try to be seen. Otherwise, we are just a blur. A ghostly image in the film.

"You didnt use that yet did you?" I asked but I knew he wouldnt answer. He stared at me and his cigar fell on the counter.

"Arent you dead?" he asked.

"Well yes. But then I have been dead for decades." I took my card and put it in my pocket with my wallet. Then I picked up the lit cigar and took a drag from it.

"Not bad" I said. "Steal that too?"
He reaches for the alarm so I break his arm then as he is screaming I break the other one too just for the fun of it.

"This is for all the other people you killed Josh. Its judgement day and i am the reaper." I drain the creep dry and drop him on the floor.

Then i carry the empty vessel to the motel room and go to the office to fetch Bill.

"Boy did you guys pick the wrong guy to kill." I grab Bill by the arm. He struggles so I break his arm. Then I take his other arm and lead him to the room and drain him dry.

"Payback is a bitch." I tell him as his heart stops beating.

Time to leave. So I bring in the gas can from the van and paint them both with it. As i carry the empty can back to the van to leave I toss the lit cigar back to Josh. The light from the bonfire is nothing short of spectacular.

But the night is young and I have places to go. People to eat. So I start the van and drive into the dark night once more. My name is Nick and vengeance is my business.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Billy Goat Gets Lost

Posted Thu, 11 Jan 2007 17:38:02 -0800

Billy Goat was a playful fellow
He loved to play outside
One day when Nanny Goat looked away
Billy went to hide
He ran into the woods that day
And soon could not be found
He ran deep into the brush
As far as he could go,
Then he stopped to look back
When he couldn’t run no mo--
He saw no one had followed him
And Billy Goat just smiled-
They’ll never find me now he said
I lost em by a mile
Then Billy looked around and saw
Some tall grass growing near
So Billy started eating
And when he eats he has no peer
He ate and ate and ate some more
Until he got his fill
And then he fell fast asleep
From his enormous meal
He slept for, oh, an hour or two
Then woke up in the dark
And that’s when Billy figured out
He was lost there in the park.
He called out to his Nanny Goat
And then to his friend Tom Cat
Then Billy realized that no one was
There to lead him back
He tried to go back the way he came
But which way was that?
It was getting dark and cold
And Billy Goat was lost and fat
He searched the woods for trails
That might lead him safely home
But whatever way that Billy went
He still wound up alone
He sniffed the air for scents
That might show him the way
But never found a scent he knew
He’d not get home today
He heard coyotes howling
Somewhere down below
So he turned and ran the other way
As fast as he could go
Then he saw 2 bright and glowing lights
In the woods ahead
And he heard the farmer's voice and cried,
"Hooray, it's time for bed"
The farmer took Billy home to Nanny Goat that night
And Billy went straight to bed
He’d had an awful fright
The moral of this story is
Don’t run too far away,
Cause coyotes hunt in packs my friend
Each and every day.